Parody Plus
by BOObeeNA
Summary: Harry is in his sixth year, and that means some Hogwartsy magical shenanigans. Rated M for language, crudeness, violence, and just generally being disgusting.
1. Chapter 1

It was nearing the end of the summer, and Harry Potter was gathering his things together in preparation for his stay at his friend Ron Weasley's house. Harry Potter, as is stated at the beginning of everything of this sort, was no ordinary boy. He was a wizard, who was attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for his sixth year in September. Already in the summer, Albus Dumbledore had whisked Harry away to help convince Horace Slughorn to come out of retirement and return to Hogwarts.

"Horace, you must return to your old post as Hogwarts Potions Master," Dumbledore had said.

"He's right, professor," Harry agreed. "If you come back, Professor Snape might get sacked."

"No one's getting sacked, Harry," Dumbledore chided.

"Do whatever you like," Harry said, disgruntled, and began to amuse himself with the bric-a-brac on Slughorn's mantle.

"No, sir," Slughorn argued. "I'm not going. This armchair's got a perfect ass print in the seat. I'd never be comfortable again if I went back to that school."

"You can take the ass print chair with you," Dumbledore pleaded. "Whatever you like, just come back to Hogwarts!"

"I can bring me ass print?" Slughorn asked. "Well, alright then. I'll do it."

So now here Harry was, packing his things, as Dumbledore had informed him and the Dursleys that Harry would be spending the rest of the summer at the Burrow. Harry absent-mindedly tossed things into his trunk; his wand, his robes, textbooks, what little pornography he'd been able to print off of his cousin Dudley's computer while the rest of the family was gone, etc. Finally, the moment had arrived for him to leave. He headed downstairs where Dumbledore waited for him by the fireplace.

"Well, Harry," Dumbledore said, "is there anything you'd like to say to your family before you leave?"

Harry thought for a moment before finally saying, "Peace, bitches." He then took a handful of floo powder, tossed it into the fire, stepped inside and said, "The Burrow!" A roar of green flames later, and Harry was gone.

Upon arriving at the Burrow, Harry was greeted by Ron and Hermione. Ron, of course, was Harry's loyal, red-headed best friend who would stick by him through thick and thin, despite being doomed to forever be cast in Harry's shadow. Hermione, as Harry had often said before, was like his sister (his smokin'-hot sister who you want to shag in the worst way but you can't because she's your best mate's sister), who was the real brains of the outfit.

"Harry, you've finally arrived!" Hermione squealed. "We've missed you so much!"

"Yeah, it's good to see you again, mate," Ron said. "We thought you'd never get here."

"I've missed you guys, too," Harry said. It was really good to see them all again. "So what's going on, eh?"

"Nothing, really," said Hermione. "We were thinking of going to Diagon Alley tomorrow. Fred and George opened a shop there."

"Weasley's Wizard Wheezes," Ron announced, moving his hand through the air like a marquis. "They've got loads of great stuff. They've been sending me free samples in the mail."

"Sounds great," Harry said. "Let me just go and set my stuff down." Just then Ginny entered the room.

"Harry!" she squealed, since that's what girls do when they're excited, apparently.

"Ginny!" Harry man-squealed back. "Look at you! Come, let us shag!"

"Harry," Ginny chided. "You're being ridiculous. I know that's what everyone besides the HarryXHermione and HarryXLuna folks wants, but we haven't even had our first kiss yet. That isn't supposed to happen until the school year is almost over. Besides, I'm not sure if I'm really attracted to you like that yet."

"Wait…what?" Harry stuttered bemusedly.

"Nothing," she said quickly. "I'm just going to, um…go…place." She then hurried back up the stairs out of sight.

"Well, that was weird," Harry and Ron said together. Hermione just shook her head.

"Hey, why don't we go play some Quidditch?" Ron suggested. "We don't actually have a pitch, or proper balls, but I used to play with Fred and George and we'd throw apples at each other and catch them."

"Yeah," Harry said. "That's sounds like fun. What about you, Hermione?"

"Of course," she agreed. "Even though I hate flying, I'm morally obligated to join the two of you in whatever you do, as most things you do involve having to use brainpower to escape from a precarious situation, and we all know that you two are sufficiently lacking in that."

"Yes we are," Harry and Ron said through goofy grins as they head-butted each other like mountain rams.

"Oy vey," Hermione sighed and she took the two dazed boys by the elbows and led them out to the yard. "This will be another long school year."


	2. Chapter 2

The day finally arrived for them all to head back to Hogwarts, so the Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione, all being witches and wizards with magical, supernatural powers, loaded up Arthur Weasley's 1982 Plymouth Reliant (leaving the Ford Anglia with all the amazing magical augments in the shed out back) and set off for London. After arriving in London in Arthur's regular-ass K-Car in a much shorter time than it should've taken to reach London from Devon, the group slipped through the brick wall separating platforms nine and ten. Immediately they could tell something was greatly amiss.

"What the French tickler?" Ron exclaimed once they arrived on Platform Nine-and-Three-Quarters. Instead of the usual sight of the bright red locomotive, they were instead treated to the sight of a bright blue train engine with a big, round, gray (and varying degrees of creepy, depending on the viewer) face right on the front.

"What's happened to the Hogwarts Express?" Harry wondered aloud.

"Couldn't use it this year," said the elderly train engineer. "We were in a bind because over the summer the train's taken to spats of structural xylophoning."

"What does that even mean?" Hermione puzzled.

"Don't worry about it," said the engineer. "Thankfully old Thomas here volunteered for the job, so we'll be able to get you kids to school on time."

"We're not kids," Harry retorted. "We're old enough to drink and fuck and foil the plans of dark wizards with sixty years worth of experience over us. We're not kids."

"Harry," Arthur said, "even though everything you said is true, you mustn't treat your elders like that."

"Sorry, Mr. Weasley," Harry mumbled, and then he, Ron, and Hermione boarded the train. They, along with Ginny and Luna Lovegood, took a cabin near the rear of the train. Once they had gotten their things stowed away, Neville Longbottom approached their cabin.

"Hey," he said, "you lot mind if I sit with you?"

"Sorry, Neville," said Luna as she gazed up at him through her overlarge and ridiculously-looking pair of Spectre Specs. "You aren't cool enough to sit here." Crushed and defeated, Neville ventured off to find a less-cool crowd with whom to spend the next several hours.

"That was a bit harsh, Luna," Ginny said disapprovingly, "saying Neville isn't cool enough to sit here."

"It's true, though," she argued. "I mean, he will be next year when he grows a pair and pulls a sword out of a hat, but he just isn't there yet."

"I know," Ginny said, "but it was especially bad coming from you. You do realize what everyone calls you behind your back, don't you?"

"No," she said, genuine surprise filling her silver eyes. "What?"

Ginny sighed. "Hermione, why don't you tell her…"

"Alright," Hermione said hesitantly. "Luna, you know how your name is Luna…"

"Of course," Luna replied, her eyes glossy.

"And, well, you know how you sometimes act a bit…odd…"

"Yes."

"And you know how your name sort of sounds like a synonym for 'mad'…"

"You mean the word 'loony'? Yes."

"Well…" Hermione hesitated. "That's the thing…when you aren't around, people like to make fun of the way you act. They call you 'That-Crazy-Bitch-In-Ravenclaw-House."

Luna sat silent for a moment. Then she spoke. "Oh, well…yeah, I knew that."

"Alright, then," Ron said, clapping his hands together. "So who's up for some Blackjack?" Ron produced a deck of cards from his carry-on bag and they all prepared for some good, old-fashioned underage gambling. However, their fun time was not to last, as all throughout the train, the students' peace and quiet was pervaded by the constant mantra, "I think I can, I think I can."

"Oh no," Ginny sighed. "Thomas apparently thinks he's the Little Engine that Could. I hope he doesn't keep this up the whole trip."

It did. Four hours later, they arrived in Hogsmeade Station.

"I dunno," said Thomas the Tank Engine. "I'm starting to doubt my abilities."

"You did fine, Thomas," said Hagrid as he bounded towards the station. "Alrigh', firs' years, over this way!"

"Come on," Hermione urged. "We need to get inside before the sorting." They all made their way inside, said goodbye to Luna as she headed over to the Ravenclaw table, and then sat down at the Gryffindor table. Finally a line of first-years streamed in through the centre of the Great Hall, and Prof. McGonagall brought out the Sorting Hat.

"We will now perform the Sorting," she announced. The first student in line started to step forward, when the Sorting Hat cut her off.

"Not so fast, missy," spat the Hat. "First I have to sing some outrageous song that I've spent all last year writing and then repeating so I won't forget it. However, I've decided I'm not doing that this year. Instead, this is what I have to say. All the kids with glasses go to Ravenclaw, all the kids that like to be rowdy go to Gryffindor, all the kids who've got mustaches go to Slytherin, and everyone else goes to Hufflepuff."

"Sorting Hat, this won't do," said McGonagall. "These kids are eleven years old. They haven't got mustaches."

"Yes they do," argued the hat. "Simple logic dictates that they do. Some students are Slytherins. All Slytherins are evil. Therefore, some students are evil. All Slytherins are evil people. All evil people have got mustaches. Therefore, all Slytherins have got mustaches, therefore, all students who are Slytherins have got mustaches."

Prof. McGonagall, finding no way to refute the Hat's statement, returned silently to the staff table. Then Dumbledore got up to speak.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today," he began before coming to his senses. "Oh, wait, wrong speech. Well, um…since I seem to have misplaced my note cards, despite having what seems to be an eidetic memory, I am unable to give my beginning of term speech. Just remember, all the things I usually say are still in effect, and I'm starving so let's get this show on the road!" Immediately the golden plates and goblets all around the Great Hall filled with a feast.

"Hermione's right," Harry sighed. "This is going to be a long school year."


	3. Chapter 3

Lucius Malfoy was reading the Daily Prophet on the toilet, trying his hardest to pinch off a big, magical loaf, but try as he might, he seemed unable to get anything to move. Finally he decided it was a failed venture, wiped, flushed, pulled his trousers up, and went downstairs. Just as he was descending the stairs, there was a ring from the doorbell.

"Hmm," Lucius said to himself. "I didn't realize wizards used doorbells." Still muttering to himself, he strode over to the door to see who was there. He opened it, and on his doorstep was Bellatrix Lestrange. She waltzed past him and started towards the dining room.

"Excuse me," Lucius demanded. "What exactly are you doing here? I never called for you."

"I know," she said in her sickening sing-song type way of speaking. "I just came by to dote on the Dark Lord even though he won't reciprocate the feeling because he can't feel or understand love."

"I see," said Lucius. "Well then, fair enough. He's this way." Lucius then led her into the dining room, where she had been headed to begin with. Inside, at the head of the long dining table, which was much longer than was needed for even if the whole family came in to visit, was Old Noseless himself.

"Ah, Lucius," said Voldy, rising to his feet so that he was standing in the chair. "I am the Dark Lord."

"Yes, Master," said Lucius. "With all due respect, I know you're the Dark Lord. You've been staying here for months."

"Why have you disturbed me?" the Dark Lord demanded.

"It was no intention of mine," Lucius said. "However, I believe Bellatrix has come with the intention of attempting and failing to seduce you once again."

"I see," said Voldemort, narrowing his eyes to slits. "Very well, then. Bellatrix, let us repair to the upstairs where we may shag."

"You mean it, Master?" Bellatrix squealed with glee (since grown women squeal as well). "I've been dreaming of this day for so long."

"Yes," Voldemort drawled. "But first, I must cast a spell." He pointed his wand at Bellatrix and shouted, "Contracepto!"

"What was that for?" she asked.

"Well," Voldemort said, "you see, the Harry Potter Wiki site says that you die childless, so I had to make sure."

"Master," Lucius interrupted, "I thought you were incapable of loving."

"I am," Voldemort affirmed. "However, loving and shagging are not necessarily the same. Oh, while I'm thinking of it, Lucius, tell Draco that he's got to fix the vanishing cabinets so that I can send a legion of Death Eaters into Hogwarts to raise Hell all over the place."

"How will I get the message to him?" Lucius asked. "He's surrounded by people who want to foil your plans."

"For God's sake," Voldemort sighed. "Just send him something in the mail, or something. I don't care. It shouldn't be that difficult."

"Master," Lucius said. "You said, 'for God's sake'. Can you really say that? I mean, we're wizards and witches. Can we still believe in God?"

"I don't care," Voldemort said exasperatedly. "Believe whatever you like."

"Alright then," Lucius said, "I believe in God now."

"Great," said the D.L. "Now just swear allegiance to me and let me be on my way to shagging this wonderful servant of mine."

"But Master," Lucius said, "the Bible says I must swear allegiance to Jesus."

"How the Hell do you know what the Bible says?" Voldy demanded. "You just took up Christianity ten seconds ago!" He paused for a moment. "You know what? Forget it. I'm off to do things that J.K. Rowling will say I never did." He then proceeded to lead Bellatrix upstairs and do awful things with and to her.

"Jesus Christ…" Lucius sighed.

Back at Hogwarts, while all this was going on, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting in the Gryffindor common room. Hermione was reading some book that no one but she would understand, Ron was staring off into oblivion, and Harry was watching Ginny from across the room. Hermione looked over to see what Harry was staring at, and then noticed something else.

"What's going on, Harry?" she asked. "Is that your wand in your pocket or do you see something you like?" Just then Harry convulsed, his scar searing with pain, and a vision of what Voldemort and Bellatrix were doing flooded his brain.

"Jesus!" Harry exclaimed. "Yes, Hermione, I do, but at the same time, I see something awful!"

"What is it?" Ron asked, sounding concerned.

"It's…" he stammered, trying to find the words to describe to his friends what was causing all of his anguish. "On the one hand, I was looking at Ginny and thinking of how slammin' hot she is. And then, I saw a vision of something awesome and horrific at the same time."

"Go on," Hermione prodded.

"Well," Harry said, gritting his teeth through the pain, "I saw, first, something that in a few years will only be seen by Tim Burton. That was the awesome part. But then I saw…Voldemort's…" Harry never finished his sentence, as he then vomited all over the common room.

"It's alright," Hermione consoled. "Just go back to thinking about how slammin' hot Ginny is."

"That's right," Ron agreed. "Just go back to – hey, wait a minute." He furrowed his brow. "Harry, listen. I know how you feel about Ginny, but she's my sister. A few months from now, I'll be alright with the idea, but right now I'm not."

"Fair eBLECH!" Harry said as he retched again. "The worst part about it all is that when I saw what Voldemort saw, I thought it was awesome, but in weird way she's sort of my aunt, with Sirius being my godfather and all."

"Yeah," Ginny said as she walked by, heading for the stairs leading to the girls' dormitory. "That's pretty fucked up. Now I'll probably have to be involved with at least one other guy before I can even think about being with you, Harry."

"Just look at it like this, Harry," Ron said. "It could always have been worse."

The thought of Snape doing nasty things with Voldemort and Bellatrix filled his brain, and then Harry fainted.

"You know, Hermione," Ron said as the two of them hauled Harry's sorry ass up the stairs, "I really hope this story is over sooner rather than later."

"Me too, Ron," Hermione said. "Me too."


	4. Chapter 4

An owl swooped down over the Gryffindor table as Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting down for breakfast. It dropped a small envelope in front of Harry before returning to the owlery.

"What's this, I wonder…" Harry wondered aloud. He opened it and read, in elaborate handwriting: Come see me in my office as soon as you can. It's important. – Prof. Dumbledore. P.S. I have candy.

"You'd better go, Harry," Hermione said. "If Dumbledore says it's important, it must really be."

"Yeah," Harry said. "Besides, he says he's got candy." Harry got up from the Gryffindor table and made his way to the gargoyle that disguised the staircase to Dumbledore's office.

"Crackfic," Harry said, and the gargoyle jumped aside, revealing a tight spiral staircase. Harry ascended the stairs and opened the door to Dumbledore's office.

"Harry, you've arrived," Dumbledore said. "Good. I need to show you this."

"What is it, professor?" Harry asked.

"I've been doing some thinking, and I think I've figured out what Voldemort's been up to. You need to come see these memories."

Harry walked over to where Dumbledore kept the Penseive. Dumbledore dumped a vial of memory into the basin, and Harry dove in. When the fog cleared, he found himself in Slughorn's office, where a pale, waxy-skinned boy about his age was giving Slughorn the third degree.

"I've been wondering, Professor," he said to Slughorn. "I read the word 'Horcrux' recently, and I thought you might know what it is."

"Yes, but why would you want to know about that, Tom?" Harry instantly realized that the boy was Tom Riddle, a.k.a. Voldemort, a.k.a. Old Noseless.

"Academic curiosity," the benosed Voldemort said.

"Well," Slughorn said, "you've always been a good kid." Then, the words that Slughorn bellowed next didn't match his mouth. "THIS MEMORY HAS ABSOLUTELY NOT BEEN TAMPERED WITH. DON'T EVEN THINK THIS MEMORY HAS BEEN DOCTORED BECAUSE IT TOTALLY HASN'T BEEN."

"Thank you, Professor," Riddle said. "You've been very helpful." Harry then saw the fog surround him again, and he was back in Dumbledore's office.

"I'm guessing you saw the same thing I did when I looked at that memory?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes," Harry said, "but for some reason I feel like that memory was tampered with."

"I'm not sure, Harry," Dumbledore said, stroking his beard nervously. "You heard what Slughorn said. It absolutely had not been doctored. I don't know what to think about this. However, I do believe that Voldemort has been using Horcruxes to secure his immortality, putting parts of his soul into important artifacts. We must destroy them all if he is to be finished off for good."

"Sounds tough," Harry said, "but I'm the protagonist, so I guess it's up to me."

"Yep," said Dumbledore. "Now get moving, Harry. I believe you have Potions in ten minutes."

Voldemort and his entourage strode down Diagon Alley. After a long day of sitting in the Malfoys' dining room, the Dark Lord had finally decided that he had shit to do. They didn't stop until they reached Gringotts, where an ugly-ass goblin was descending the marble steps out front.

"You there, goblin," Voldemort said. "I need to enter Gringotts. I have a very important deposit to make."

"Sorry, mate," said the goblin. "Bank closes at five. You'll have to come back tomorrow."

"You don't understand," Voldemort said. "I am the Dark Lord. You will give me entry to the building so that I can deposit this golden cup."

"Sorry," said the goblin. "I can't go against bank policy."

"Avada kedavra!" Voldemort bellowed, and in a flash of green light, the goblin was transformed into a dead goblin.

"Piss," Voldemort hissed. "I let my temper get away from me. Well, I'm sure one of the other accountant monsters will take me down to the Lestrange vault. Bellatrix, I need you to come with me since it's your vault we're going to, rather than my own, which they reopened upon the announcement by the Ministry that I had returned to life."

"Yes," Bellatrix said, "because that makes sense."

The sun was going down behind the mountains outside the Hogwarts grounds. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were on their way back to the Gryffindor common room, when they were stopped in the hallway by a very tall, pale-skinned man in a black robe. He had red eyes with slits for pupils, no lips, and a plastic novelty witch nose secured to his face by an elastic band.

"Excuse me," he hissed. "Do any of you know of a good place to hide things in the castle?"

"Yeah," Ron said. "There's the Room of Requirement. It'll give you something, no doubt." Harry's scar started to burn.

"I see," said the stranger. "Where is this room, might I ask?"

"Seventh floor," Hermione said. Harry's scar seared even greater.

"Much appreciated," the stranger said. "I just wanted to know because I've got this diadem that needs hiding, you see. Well, I won't keep you all any longer." He strode off towards the stairway.

"You guys," Harry gasped. "I think that might have been Voldemort. As soon as he came by, my scar started to burn."

"Harry," Hermione said, "that couldn't have been Voldemort. Voldemort doesn't have a nose, and that man clearly had one."

"You've got a point," Harry said as he rubbed his scar. "Alright, well, you're smarter than all the rest of us. I'll take your word for it."

As they continued on their way to Gryffindor common room, the stranger (who may or may not have been Voldemort) grinned to himself.

"Dumbasses."


End file.
